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Cat’s Bollocks | RHONY | Season 5, Episode 8 Recap

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Blinded By The Wine

“You’re a phony, you’re a fake and a liar, and OMG I CANT TAKE THAT SMILE!” Ramona to HOLLA Heather. Let’s get the party ended recap!

Ok, so she wants the ‘dirt’ on the London trip. Well since it was a ‘non existent fun trip’, there wasn’t much dirt for her to digest at lunch with Carole, Sonja and Aviva. Heather was just too busy HOLLA’ing to win the most bugging chick on the trip, even though it was a close tie, so the baton was handed to Lulu :) much to Ramona’s surprise? Really? Surprised? So the summary of what happened in London came and went without even five minutes, before the subject changed to the next trip – Miami.

Aviva tells Sonja she has a hot, blind date in Miami for her with a sex addict, oh, and it happens to be her father!
Sonja rubs her hands in glee and asks to have her Oysters. The power of Viagra is discussed and everyone gets excited. They all invited to Aviva’s holiday pad but Lulu and Heather are both N.F.I.

Heather and her powerbrokers sit down to discuss Sonja’s image for her toaster oven. Now this is where Heather really shows off her connections with the award winning packaging guy, who arrives at the meeting having no clue who Sonja is. WHAT??? How could her not know who she is if he is so big time?? ;) They sit around talking dots on i’s and tails whilst Sonja arrives with a very large man in a suit, carrying a suitcase with her oven in. Where was he from and who was he? Maybe just a passer by offering to help her with her heavy load. Anyway, Sonja gets really pissed off and the meeting sucks.

Then we move on to Jack, or Jacque, depending on whether Lulu remembers to try to impress with her secret language of French and some wine tasting games. Ramona arrives and seems to forget she hates Lulu and sneaks up on Lulu. “I was wondering who got me from behind” Ewwww, what a nasty thought.

Jack’s appears to have something on his lip, but kisses everyone regardless and then they both try setting up Ramona to spit out her own wine. They fail. Ramona knows her wine; she drinks enough of it, and their little game to embarrass her falls flat. The wine fortune teller gets subtitles and Ramona in her excitement of not spitting or dissing her own wine whilst blind folded, does a little turtle time.

In Miami – Aviva and Reid have her father and his mother for dinner. Dad, the sex addict walks in and wants Scotch if there is any going. Aviva says that since the loss of her mother he is getting over the grief by being a playboy. Hilarious, why the hell not? Other than the fact that he says to Aviva, “If I wasn’t your father, I’d be after you” which is borderline warning of maybe time to cut the Viagra dose. He sits at dinner with 3 bottles of red by his plate and states that ‘If you get sex, you don’t become angry’. Never a truer word spoken.

Ramona tells Aviva she wants ‘turtle time morning, noon and night’ in Miami. Oh s**t, watch out! Then on arrival, as guests of Aviva’s, is perturbed by family photos on the wall in the spare room and says she is going to take them down and turn them over so her and Mario can have sex. Nice.

Heather and Lulu, match made in heaven, meet for a coffee and eye brow wax, like one does. Lulu states, “I have always been told my eye brows are fabulous”. Mirror mirror on the wall who is the phoniest of them all?
Then when the waxing starts on her middlebrow, she says, “It hurts like a bitch” Now, now Lulu, royalty doesn’t speak like that!! Really…just because you are hanging with Heather and her 150th St. slang? ;) Heather is still trying to preach to Lulu about the way others see her and like the slightly geriatric that she is, it goes over her middlebrow again.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Aviva and Reid are getting ready for dinner with Ramona and Mario. Aviva tells Reid to button up his shirt, DEFINITELY. LOL this is Miami babe, let him get loose! He could have it open all the way; hairy chest showing with a gold medallion and nobody would bat an eyelid.

Carole sits with her dear friend the jewelry designer and finds out Lulu has ‘friend jumped’ her and asked to borrow clothes off her clothing designer hubby having only just been introduced. LOL it is SOOOO over due that this BS countless get’s called out. Again, royalty does NOT do that sweetie!

Then back to Miami and dinner at one of my favorite restaurants Prime 112, where Aviva gets a racehorse penis in a bap.

Ramona is amazed that she wasn’t conscious of how Lulu tried to set her up at the snooze fest wine tasting game, and when she realizes is so shocked and horrified. What??

Finally there is a MEGA preview into the upcoming DRAMA of what’s ahead in RHONY! It’s about to go down. We are talking squirting orgasms courtesy of Aviva’s dad, Sonja getting her kit off, Lulu having a pirate in the bedroom, Ramona is clearly off her head, screaming at Aviva to take a Zanax. Aviva clearly realizes what a bunch of crazies she has got involved with and so much more!!! I think Bravo sees that so far it’s been tame to say the least and wants to wet the appetite for what’s a head. They did a great job in the last 1.46 seconds :)

Until next week!

P.S For those who simply want to post a comment about my poor grammar or spelling, my advice, stick to your cross words ;) It’s the middle of the night for me in Spain, I have a foggy pregnancy brain, plus I was always top of my year in English, but not spelling!


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About the Author
Mother, writer and star of Bravo's Real Housewives of DC. Cat brings the snark, honesty and truth with her new column "Cat's Bollocks" for Reality Wives

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  • Another classic, thank you Cat!

  • Dignitea

    There’s not one of us who haven’t hit “post” only to discover a few glaring typos or misspells…not sure why anyone needs to point yours out. I actually thought Ramona did not recognize her own wine and gave it a solid criticism on first swig with not much improvement on second pass after the scent sniffing. This wasn’t a very interesting episode…Aviva is terribly stuffy. I think the award-winning package designer (my brother also has that distinction, and it doesn’t mean a lot in life) was brought in at the last second and didn’t have any time to research the freebie favor he was being asked to provide. If he had researched her he would have seen her website and the very unappealing photos of the food that comes out of her toaster oven. Sonja is sorely lacking good taste in everything. I didn’t laugh once during the episode…that was disappointing. Was not at all happy with Carole and thought she should have backed off the criticisms of LuAnn when it was clear her jewelry designer friend didn’t wish to participate in the pettiness. The preview of drama to come has some interesting moments…I really want to see the one where Aviva goes after Mario! He’s almost more annoying than Ramona.

  • Cat yet once again you have captured this episode with your beautiful tongue in cheek wit and complete honesty. I can’t wait to read your weekly take on the ladies of NYC. You don’t miss a trick or innuendo that this group throws at each other. Love that you pointed out that royalty does not behave that way. True royals/stars don’t have to ask to borrow designer clothing (last time I checked the designers are usually clamoring to dress them, but the Khans are too gracious to really take issue with it). Lulu has proven yet again that money CANNOT buy you class. I wish she would take some of her own advice. And just out of sheer curiosity will the Countless ever give up her title??? It’s gotten to be about as old as her eggs. Thank you again for giving me my weekly chuckle and for being so spot on!!!! Congratulations to you and your family on your impending bundle of joy!

    • Dignitea

      My research (ok – internet search) shows that there is no royal family in Poland. Many claim, but none really exist. Carole is not a Polish Princess (well, not in the royal sense, anyway), and her husband was not a prince based on what I found. In fact, I couldn’t find any information that said there was a real chance the Radziwells were really royalty. It’s interesting history whether it exposes this fantasy royal family or not, though…worth researching.

  • disgrazia4

    You are a classic my dear, don’t ever change! Great job as usual.

  • Judie Elstone

    You totally amaze me sweet girl. Even in the middle of the night, preggers and you stayed awake???? How….tell me how????? I had to rewind five times. I actually put me to sleep five times. The previews for the weeks to come were more exciting that this show. Ok Daddy Dearest with his creepy remark was noteworthy I must admit. Gave the hairs on my arm a workout. Ewwwww I mean really????? Step away from the testosterone Daddy. You may be taking a bit too much. Also I would rather not have a picture of Ramona and Mario stooping it much less in a bedroom with those adorable pictures of those children. (bad picture bad) Then there is the “Classless Countess” moment with the Khans. Reminds me of the orphan Oliver….please Sir, may I have a dress from your rack….I’m just a poor Countess. What chapter was that in her Class book???? I consider myself a hotdog connoisseur but come on guys…..that was something from outer space. LMAOOO. That is a sex toy. Children close your eyes, this is only for the adult table. Anyway, can’t wait for next week. Love ya darlin.

  • Leg Before Wicket

    Aviva and Bravo should be ashamed of themselves for trotting out that old demented pervert. NOT FUNNY AND IN VERY POOR TASTE. For Ch–sts sake, this horn dog is the Grandfather of her children!!! What were they thinking?

  • Amy A

    Love you Cat! Look forward to your blog each week! When is Bravo going to give you your own show??? Congrats on the baby! And I LOVED INBOX FULL!
    BTW – Bravo wont post this comment, I’ve tried several times. But I want it out there that while Lu always annoyed me, I decided officially that I can’t stand her after your WWHL appearance. I WAS SO GLAD you called her out! Her behaviour was gross.

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