Cat’s Bollocks | RHONY | Season 5, Episode 14 Recap

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Slutty Island

Searching for the iTunes episode today – Anyone for some ‘Slutty Island’? Oh that must be Real Housewives in St Bart’s episode.

“The Italian Job”

Whoa so I’ve had some catching up to do as it’s all kicking off in paradise!

Lulu is staggering around in her wedges with a terrible over hang. She has confused a bunch of her ‘Italian mates’ coming back last night, for a young French pirate, who is up for some ‘Johnny Double Dipping’ at the party house. Or she was aware her story line is so dull so she thought about spicing things up, insinuating that some holiday romance occurred? Cheating on Jock strap would definitely boost ratings? Get pregnant with a makeup-wearing pirate? Let’s hope his boat was the only thing that had a hole in it.

Ramona is all over Dippy like a collapsed tent, digging for the dirt on whether he dipped Lulu. Dog with a bone style 🙂 I loved that scene and the awkwardness! Hilarious.

Either way, Sonja doesn’t mind second helpings and wants some action.

Sonja: “I’m going in, tonight is Sonja’s night”, bruises and all.

Double Dip cant work out how many housewives are up for it – a ménage a sept? He can’t count.

The ladies take a boat out that doesn’t have an awning. But it does have crew that embarrass themselves beyond the pale, by holding up towels to shield the Princess’ from the sun? Who asks for that and who the hell does that? Come on ladies, that’s just wrong.

Sonja says Lulu looks like a ‘Bond Girl’, the booze has obviously been flowing way too fast.

Ramona does an outfit change on the boat, what?! I think it’s because she’s been shopping and wants to tear all that awful plastic gusset out, that they come with for hygiene when you buy them.

Aviva’s phobia of flying is fully documented with a camera shoved right in her face on the tiny plane. Nice. All that specially chosen music to switch off, but a cameraman on your lap? LOL always proven to take your mind of things on a 10 seater.

Ramona starts freaking at the idea of the dynamics changing when the normal couple arrive – Aviva and Reid, so she sets up a multi-million dollar villa, just in case it gets tough at the party house.

Heather is out of her HOLLA mode and actually for the first time for me, nice to watch. A real team player on the trip. Fair play to her. She’s chilled on holiday and it shows.

The ‘normal couple’ arrives to drunken topless blondes in the pool.
Reid says, I repeat, Reid says, “It’s not fun to hang out with girls when they are getting naked”. Reid may be the only straight man on the planet that would think that. Either that or an extremely small penis and was afraid he would be asked to get it out for the girls.

Drinks by the pool with the ladies, once Reid has run to his room and bolted the door. Aviva hasn’t even taken her jacket off, had a shower, relaxed and is about to blow. She is straight into a verbal battle with ‘Ramonja’ who are on another level, she informs them about how rude they are being to Reid and how ungrateful they seem to him, for accompanying her on the trip.

“If you don’t go up stairs and throw your arms around him and thank him!! You are an ungracious lady – and quite frankly your white trash!!” WOW Aviva!

“TAKE A ZANAX AND CALM DOWN – CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!” Ramona screams at the top of her voice. Wooooah!

Sonja, “Girls vacation. We’re girls behaving badly in the house”. Aviva missed the memo.

Lulu “Come on guys, yesterday you were asking me how do we get rid of Reid” she says with a smug smile on her face, getting her massive, wooden regal spoon out.

At this point with all the screaming and shouting, my baby is doing somersaults in my tummy with tension.

Aviva wants a hotel now, “I want the girls rolling out the red carpet for my husband, opening up their hearts and arms and saying ‘Reid you are so fabulous” Oh dear, surely she wouldn’t want Ramonja interrupting the 45 minutes of ‘work’ that Reid HAS to get done.

All Carole wants to do is bugger off and hang with her rock star but she has to get a mic to even get noticed by the cackle going on, whilst she tried to smooth the edges. It ain’t never going to happen.

Lulu denies all involvement of making the row escalate with the sh*t stirring, two faced holier and thou-ness floating around with her nose in the air, day dreaming over how lovely it would have been to bed Dippy in reality.

Sonja is showing off Ramona’s dress to distract Aviva, buts she is still in her jacket, jeans and heals bubbling with anger and tiredness I imagine. The only thing that Aviva should have done on arrival is have a massage and chill out before having to deal with ‘Ramonja’ fun time.

Ramona apologizes to Aviva to ‘calm her crazy a** down’ even though she’s not sorry.

Sonja sheds a few tears, whilst her hair is in rollers, looking like she is greeting guests at her trailer park caravan, since she has been called white trash.

Ramona and Heather are new BFF’s.

Heather “She doesn’t like to fight with more than one person at a time”. Very true! And NOBODY calls her names like that, let alone on holiday. She won’t be letting that one go in a hurry. The atmosphere is guaranteed to put knots in your shoulders, (if you haven’t got any yet) at the dinner table with Ramona so up for another battle with Aviva. Thankfully she has changed out of her jacket by now so lets see what unfolds next week…

Aviva “I’m relentless when I get started”
Carole “That’s not a good quality”

See you next week! Missed blogging the last few episodes, as I’ve been wrapping up my new book, the sequel to Inbox Full, which is out this month! Watch What Happens Live and then launch party in NYC. Guess who is going to be my co guest on the live show and the party planner too?


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About the Author
Mother, writer and star of Bravo's Real Housewives of DC. Cat brings the snark, honesty and truth with her new column "Cat's Bollocks" for Reality Wives
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